Saturday, March 20, 2021

The Calm Within the Chaos

After two somewhat lousy days as the side effects of the vaccine kick out, and I'm once again feeling good, I shake my head in disgust, wonder, and sadness at the behavior of my dark cloud. I was accused of pretending to be sweaty as a means of "announcing" silently my lack of desire to "help" the DC. 

Today is more of the same as we move to the realm of "just do what I say". I have capitulated in reality. DC no longer can think in a logical linier manner and consistently gives as evidence A + B = L. I went into his office to help without bringing a chair so my only intent was to express my lack of interest in actually helping. 

Make no sense? Of course not. 

He nearly fell into bed last night and when i went in to make sure he was okay, he breathlessly told me that I make him feel like a child by rushing in. "What do you want me to do in the future so that you won't feel that way?" I asked. "Wait for me to ask for help". DONE!

It is essential for me to continue to meditate and grow in the manner. It will help me not internalize the awful dark menacing cloud and it's spew. My feelings are just that, feelings that I can choose to indulge in or not. It is my choice. 

Like one confined in a prison, my mind is still my own. I will tell it any lie it requires to keep it quiet and out of my hair while I own who I am when and where I am able. 

I wish i had a facebook platform just for me. His nosy intrusions are not welcome. 

It is glorious and warm and I am thrilled that life is returning to some normality. I fear another surge, but I least I am on the way to being protected from the life threatening variety of Covid. 

I dream of freedom. 

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